I Could NOT Be More Grossed Out

It all started as a fairy tale that all the girly sporting clan followed to some degree. Lance met Kristin when he was working in the early days as a cancer survivor to build the then-nascent, pre-yellow-armbands, pre-Livestrong version of the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

The fairy tale continued through many Tour de France victories, a son, and twin girls.

And then they broke up. Everyone was crushed.

It was only mildly palatable when Lance then swapped in Sheryl Crow, as she's a little edgey and - much to my pleasure - brought a more progressive bent to the admittedly rabidly conservative Texan. JoMarie and I had to suffer through throngs of people during the Tour De Georgia, however, who were there to see Her and didn't seem to know that a bike race was going on, and would have walked past George Hincapie and Johan Bruyneel without a glance. Not would have, did.

We collectively mused at how Lance definitely has a "type" - long, blond hair; his Kristin looked like his Mom, Sheryl looked like Kristin, and so on. Our group held a mild disdain but tolerance for their relationship, since it survived a few of us meeting Lance on various occasions (NYC, DC), and there was no sweeping off of any feet, in any direction. Unidirectional swooning yes, sweeping no.

And then they, too, broke up.

Hopes soared when what to our wondering eyes should appear...but the confluence of Armstrong and McConaughey!

It appeared that Lance was on the market, training for a marathon able to be ogled, and with one of our favorite hotties along for the ride.

The ride would turn out to be a slippery slope...reports from the party scenes coast to coast made the news.

Now, I almost can't even write it, but Lance has chosen a real winner. Who could it be?

Someone who shares his rabid athleticism?

Someone who has the same sharp wit and wisdom and commitment to philanthropy?

Someone who - like Lance - has eluded to aspirations of running for political office?

HELL NO.

ASHLEY FRICKING OLSON.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Yesss, that's right, one of the pair of once-precocious now-skanky darlings of Hollywood and NYC. Seen. Necking. In a bar. With Lance.

I don't know what's more mortifying, the fact that she's barely legal, the fact that she's annoying, the fact that she and her sister have built a branded empire (movies, clothing, television, lip gloss, you name it...), the fact that she's skanky, or the fact that she was in diapers when Lance was winning his Junior triathlon title. Twenty years ago.

All I know is it's just WRONG. Lance, how could you????