So I can tell you there's a bevy of things you don't want to see underwater when you are swimming in it. Typical things come to mind including -- but not limited to -- alligators, snakes, large snapping turtles, and the like.Fortunately, most swim training takes place in a pool, where you won't see anything scary.
Right? Wrong.
Over the past years I have been privvy to some scary things, and some scary stories as well. Not to mention the downright weird.
- Bandaids. Both popular and frequent. You get over these pretty easily because hey, it's a pool. Chlorine will kill anything, right?
- Children. Now I love kids, but my gym has the same water system for the lap pool and the zero-depth-entry kiddie pool, full of little potentially incontinent ones and their swim diapers. There's been more than one time that the word E. Coli has passed through my brain over and over. And over.- Poop. I love this true story: from a dear relative - who was hurriedly escorting her daughter ("Mommy, I have to poop! I think there is some in my bathingsuit") from a poolside party to the bathroom. The child (you know who you are) danced by the trash can before being whisked away to the potty. Upon arrival, she no longer had to go. Miracle. There was no evidence in the swimsuit. Walking back to the party, the mom saw It by the trashcan. As the careful Mom knelt to trap and trash It, the child sqealed "OOOOO! MOOMMMY! POOOOOOOP!" The mother simply said: "Be. Quiet. It's. Yours." Classic.
- Corn. Ahh, yes, corn, the summer BBQ pleaser. But let me tell you...seeing a kernel of corn that looks - I think the word I used to describe it to my friends was "tired" - is *almost* enough to make you end a long swim workout before it ever starts. Again I say to you: E. Coli.
- Nuts. No, not another food item. Sadly. A friend of mine (names are held back to preserve the victimized) saw a guy do a flip turn. He went one way, his speedo went another, and the contents of his speedo were suspended - and exposed - in full view of my traumatized but amused friend.- Copulation. Unbelievably, this same friend was at a very popular, very nice facility doing her swim workout when she noticed some commotion at the end of the lap lane adjacent which was the open swim area. She thought it was wrestling at first, then she noticed it was a couple. Rhytmically wrestling. Repeatedly. I am not kidding.
- Pink Speckled Speedos. Black speedos are the preferred training fashion for the male triathlete. Ones that are speckled with swirls of pink and yellow are not advised. Especially if they are on your ex boyfriend. Again. I am not kidding.
- An Entire Troop of Fully Clothed Boy Scouts. No really! This was tonight. I was doing laps and noticed about a baker's dozen of 10 year oldish boys on the pool deck with a few adult men. On the next lap, one of the men was in the water. On the next lap, a man and one boy. In khakis and a button down. On the next lap, all of them. This was almost too much to comprehend.
What? A dare? A birthday? AS IF it could get more weird, they began undressing. Underwater. I may remind you that I am breathing on the right side so I am only getting a glimpse every few yards. Am I awake? Is this real? FINALLY I see as I do a length of kickboard drills - I mean come on, I had to see what was going on - they were learning how to tie off pant legs to make impromptu life vests. THANK GAWD...apparently they were boy scouts working on a survival badge (the much-sought "What to Do if You are Dropped Into a Pool at Lifetime Fitness While Wearing Khakis and a Buttondown" Badge). If that's required for making Eagle Scout, things have changed since my brother went through in the 70s.Occasionally there are the moments that make it worthwhile. Seeing a fit athlete next to you...especially if you are married to him. Spending a day at the outdoor pool with your friends, taking turns doing swim workouts. Having a 7 year old boy ask your husband as you swim off: "Is she Olympic"?
And yes. Those moments are worth even the tired corn and boy scouts. So long as they are not on the same day.
